I Don't Do Sadness
by Jaxalie
Summary: Seth's world is crashing down. His father is dead, his sister is a murderer and he himself is a werewolf. Some things are too hard for the usually happy boy to cope. So they just fade away. - One Shot. Seth POV.


_A/N – So I've been itching to write a Wolf Pack fic for a while I just never had the incentive. Until now. My favourite character in the saga (besides Jasper) has always been the happy-go-lucky Seth, so I decided to delve into his mind in true Jaxalie fashion, in a moment when he's not so happy. When he might have been very very hurt. A one shot inspired by my favourite song from the musical Spring Awakening, I suggest you listen to the song while reading the fic or before or after. _

_Read and Review please :)_

_Inspiration: Don't Do Sadness / Blue Wind – Spring Awakening_

_So without further ado…_

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><p><strong>I Don't Do Sadness<strong>

He's gone. That's all my thoughts could process, he's gone. My dad… he's gone. As a child, I'd always been the weak one, the happy one. My mother had always joked that nothing could faze me, that my happiness was like a bubble, bouncing the other hurts and pains away into the air in a way that would prevent the pain from ever touching me, diverting the winter wind that threatened to cover the hearts of those who were less protected, those who needed to be stronger, who didn't have a shield to the world. She'd said how my influence could save a nation, touch those around me in a way that no one could think, prevent the harshness of a world from touching them too. She'd said this was why Leah was the strong one. Pulled into my bubble, my sister fought hard to protect that bubble of happiness for me, while I wandered pointlessly, she was the guiding force to fighting sadness. Because she knew the darkness outside of it, I was untouchable.

Who'd have imagined that in the end it would be her to break that bubble? To harm it and break it, shattering my shield into a thousand tiny pieces, forcing me to face a future I didn't want, a future I didn't need. Who'd have thought that in everything, the first bout of pain to ever touch my heart would be the largest a child could ever expect. The pain we never imagine but know is inevitable one day. The loss of your heart, of your soul.

Even in fairytales they show it happening, the tale always begins with it, in all the good ones at least. Be it the mention of a wicked stepmother replacing the wonderful parent that your real mother once was, or the darkness painted when the king is murdered, leaving the child to fend for themselves until their path comes magically in their direction. Well in my life, the king was dead.

What they never show you in these things is what if the evil that takes your soul away is your own flesh and blood? Your own sister. Beautiful, witty, hurt and a murderer. Because that's what Leah was to me, a murderer. And a thief. A thief because she stole my innocence. Not the sort people imagine, not the process of sexual awakening, no that would just be sick. But the other sort of innocence, the innocence no one has the right to force away and yet the one that so many lose too early. I'd just never thought it would be me. She was a thief.

And I am no longer a child.

See the thing I never expected, that I was never prepared for, was the knowledge that when my protection was lost, I'd lose a heck of a lot more. My father, my faith, my childhood, my humanity. I never knew.

My parents had kept it from us, kept my legacy from the world that should have known only to too late be shown in the direction they did not expect the extent of my fate, our fate, I amended. You see, the thing that no one ever expects is to be cast in the role of the monster. The tribe, they didn't know the sacrifice, they didn't know the danger. And nor did we until that fateful moment.

What I wouldn't give to have that moment back. The innocence, the blissful ignorance of childhood could bring. I don't want to be, I never wanted to be so soon, a man. Now look at me. I longed to feel the thrill of childhood a few hours more, maybe. The thrill of spinning around and around until eventually you fall down dizzy and instead of pulling away from that feeling, embracing it. I wanted to embrace it. I did, for so long in my life. And then… suddenly out of nowhere, no warning, my childhood shattered with my happiness.

I want to forget it, I don't want to see my sister screaming at my father, don't want to see her body morph and transform and twist into the giant wolf. The giant wolf that broke my father's heart. Stopped it there in its tracks. We always knew he couldn't handle a big shock. Mom had always gone on about him eating healthier, making sure he never lost it, that we never lost him. How could she imagine this happening to us? How could she ever have thought Leah to be a murderer?

The problem with living in a bubble, when it shatters, you can't breathe. You lose purpose, you lose hope. And as my father collapsed, his knees falling out from beneath him and my mother stood torn between helping the man she loved or calming the daughter she'd born, I shattered. I couldn't breathe.

Stood helpless, I watched as the madness took place, I barely thought it strange. My sister, a giant wolf. My sister, a murderer. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Just the loss of air to my lungs. I couldn't think, I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel. Nothing but the mind numbing loss, the realization that I was different. I was not safe in my happiness. I was cursed.

All my life. Before I'd even been conceived, I was cursed. Three lines of the gene, three lines of a death sentence. A death sentence of life. When my father lay withering and dying, I would forever live on. It's a curse, being immortal. And for the first time, I knew what it was like to wish I was something else, anyone else.

I didn't want to be me. I didn't know who Me was. Seth Clearwater. He doesn't exist. He didn't happen. Because if Seth Clearwater existed then I'd have to face the agonizing pain, the realization that in all this... I'd lost the one reason I had hope. My dad was kind, my dad was funny, my dad was who I wanted to be. And now, he too, was nothing. Nothing because of the selfishness of the gods who decided it wasn't enough to mutate my genes, but to mutate my sister's too. We could never have expected…

And then when he passed… I had to get away. The stupid optimism of my previous existence found itself titillated for a slight moment that I was different too. Amazing that, in that terrifying moment later that night, when I had been sat waiting for the news of my father, sat beside Billy Black, the elder who knew loss like no other for his wife, Sarah, when my bones began to shift and change, when fur covered my body and the thoughts of other men entered my thoughts, I was for that one moment selfish enough to enjoy the pain. It was an escape.

I would not cry. I can't cry. I couldn't handle the tears. I forgot my dad existed, just like I forgot I existed, and that was okay. Until the order of the Alpha took away even that release, forcing me back to my human form, to the form that would have to be expected to deal with the unbearable agony of heartache. I had to get away from it all, I had to go. I couldn't ever take it… I wasn't made for the winter winds. I wasn't made to survive hurt. I was meant to bring light.

And it was with that in mind that I crept from my window, to get away from it all. To choose my fate. Lose myself, lose Seth, become something new and scary, or follow the hope of that old life, deny my birthright to fool myself into thinking everything was alright.

I pushed my boiling hands into my pockets and began to walk. I doubted anyone would miss me. I didn't care if they would. Instead I just followed my feet, not entirely sure where they'd lead me. My head filled with cotton, my mouth filled with ash. I smiled, I walked. I pushed the sadness away, pushed it out. I couldn't embrace it, I wouldn't.

So on I walked, unsure if I should choose a new path. Or the old lie. I was so wrapped in my thoughts that the sound of her footfalls didn't register on my heightened thoughts, didn't smell the tell tale signs of rain on her skin, or hear the skipped beat in her heart until it was much too late to avoid.

I bumped directly into the small girl from class, she'd moved from Forks when she was young, I'd known her all my life it seemed, and yet I didn't really know her, did I? Lucy… I thought that was her name, pushed around the cotton her name whispered on the wind.

"Seth Clearwater?" Her voice was like a hummingbird, gentle and near unheard on the wind, drowned by the sounds of humanity that I no longer possessed. She was always beautiful to me; I'd always had the smallest crush on her. Back when I was that name. The name she called me now, the tilt of her brow concerned over her sparkling blue eyes, she looked at me in what should have registered in a way of lust. I couldn't see it. Not with my eyes down cast, searching, always searching, for the right answer.

"Lucy?" I swallowed around the ash, her name tasted like dust, like nothing on the wind. She wasn't important to me now. Nothing was. Nothing but the numbness. Nothing but nothing. "I… I didn't see you." I glanced to my sun kissed hands, the size and colour a total contrast to hers. "You frightened me." I lied.

Her lips puckered, the pinkness of her lip gloss might once have made my heart speed up, might have made my body react in a deep blush. Back when I could feel, when I cared. Her hand half reached up towards me, paused in midair as though she'd finally realized something important. "What were you looking for?"

A brief moment of confusion penetrated my numbness, my expression no doubt a mask of doubtful concern. Bleak and covered in ice. Yet somehow I felt myself answer, not a conscious thought, but an action I could never have dreamed. "I… don't know."

Her little hand made its move. Brushed my own away from where it clenched before me, I hadn't realized it was in a fist at all. I had no control of anything anymore. She gave me a sympathetic smile, already no doubt aware of the shattering in my heart. News travelled fast in places like this. The disadvantage of a small town, no one had any secrets. Or so I had thought once upon a time. She knew I was not myself. Yet still she smiled, giving my hand a gentle squeeze, one that I could never understand. "Then there's no use looking for it, is there?" She paused, seeming to debate a moment, and in that moment I was halfway struck again with how beautiful she had once been to me. Long blond hair, pale skin, ice blue eyes, everything that La Push was not. Everything that I was not. "I'm heading home…" She glanced down shyly to where her hand still held mine, dwarfed already by the size of it. "D…do you wanna walk me back? We could… talk." She gave me that smile and something burned inside her icy eyes. Hope.

I felt my jaw clench, knowing on some level I would appear rude. Rudeness was a part of growing up, wasn't it? It existed in the adult mind more than the child. Instead I shook my head, unable to answer verbally. Something that she ignored easily as she began to pull me along with her in the direction of the home her father had purchased on her moving here. "I'm sorry about your dad… I still remember when we first moved here, your mom and dad brought us food to welcome us to the neighbourhood and they brought you and Leah along… you were so shy… You blushed a lot… you still do." She smiled at me ruefully, making me notice that her teeth were just the slightest bit crooked, a beautiful crooked in a perfect mouth. As if reading my thoughts, she looked away, blushing herself. "I'll never forget that… you were my first friend here… my best friend here."

Her little thumb brushed my hand softly, that air of sadness seemed to shift, changing to something brighter, something I used to recognise. "Now look at you… your dad would be proud…" And there it was.

The truth was, my dad would never be proud. My dad would never know. He'd died before my legacy. He'd died for it. He'd never see me flourish, she was wrong. He'd never be proud of me again. He'd be nothing. The pain stabbed lightly at my chest, making it hard to breathe and with effort… I pushed it away. Giving her a sad smile of my own, I squeezed her little hand and pulled it away. Pausing in my tracks. "Actually. I think I'd better head home… My mom… she'll be missing me." I swallowed, hoping she'd believe me. That she wouldn't be hurt. Sadness was a curse. I wished for my bubble.

She nodded solemnly, her lips puckering down at little at the edges; she leaned up and kissed my cheek softly. I tried to blush for her benefit, and I half succeeded as her thumb then moved to brush where she'd kissed. "I understand… If you want me… you know where to find me. I'll always be there Seth."

I glanced to her and I could see it, in my head I could imagine going over to her house, losing myself for the first time in the comforts of someone else, crying on her shoulder, holding her and embracing that pain I never wanted, growing up in a human way, pushing my legacy away and being the Seth that I was before, only older, wiser, less self absorbed, less involved… And I wasn't ready. I ducked in lightly, kissing her forehead softly. "Thank you, Lucy."

I pulled away from her touch and turned away, despite the human cry not to. I moved from her, because I wasn't meant to be human. I was meant to be a wolf, I was meant to be a monster. I was meant to be the happiness to my mother, to the others around me. It was with that in mind that I put on a smile. A smile that stretched across my face, pushing the sadness away, beating it down. Releasing it like a boat for sailing. I turned my back on being an adult. And instead, I chose what I am today. The broken, shattered and duct taped boy you see today. The one in the bubble of joy. The good one. The one who can't handle a heartbreak.

Just Seth.


End file.
